Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in rjruland's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
1:27 am	ETA 9-14 WOW! The past 2 months have flown by. It has not been sobriety, but lack of sleep that has kept me from away from writing. Exhaustion makes coherently stringing together a sequence of words is a struggle. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
8:12 am	Sober Summer Today I will drunkenly kiss the abyss. I intend to drink irresponsibly and dive into whatever encounters are available. After tonight, whatever comes what may, I will be sober until the second week of September. This will be a sober summer, spent hanging out as much as I can with my 12 year old son. Today and tonight I will be unrepentantly drunk out of my mind. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 14th, 2009
12:33 pm	Riders.. Early in the morning, I am sitting in a bar near the bus terminal. Suddenly, the sky opens up and the rain comes down torrentially. It captures the attention of the bored strangers, all of us sitting alone and we watch the rain pouring down through the open bar door. Almost as if on cue, the song on the jukebox switches to RIDERS ON THE STORM by the DOORS. From the opening sounds of the keyboard, we all started laughing. The bartender poured us all a shot of whiskey and we celebrated having been there at that moment in time. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
10:42 am	Obscured She asked me why I was smiling and I confessed that I enjoy being invisible when I am with her. She is beautiful and so captivating that everyone ignores me. I am a spectator that can observe from only inches away. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 29th, 2009
12:09 pm	Thirsty Thief He shoplifted a bottle of liquor from the big box store and it was so easy that he put the bottle in his car and went right back in for a second bottle. Then he went in again for a third, a fourth and it was on the fifth attempt that he was caught. When store security noticed the first four bottles in his car, he admitted that he had stolen them. What was he thinking? Can we assume that he had been drinking? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
10:55 am	Roll of Desire There is no place open where I can buy a roll on my way to work so I stop on pick it up my way home and keep the roll for 19 hours until I eat at for lunch at 3am the next morning. One morning every week, when I have not worked the night before, I have to make a special trip out of the apartment just to get that roll. I desire it enough I drag my lazy ass out of the apartment, interrupting whatever it is I am doing, and walk into town. This morning I saw a most unusual tattoo. She was buying a sandwich and from where I stood behind her in line, I could see some small words tattooed behind her right ear. It said something about the 1980s, but I could not read the entire thing. The night before last, I sat down to watch some fights on television and heard my neighbor having sex. Her moans from the house next door, through my open window, were louder than the crowd noise from my television. I could not fantasize about what I was hearing, because I do not know which of the two women who live there it was that was enjoying her love making. I hope that she started biting a pillow or something, because her moans only lasted a few minutes. It would be a shame if that was how short of a time her partner was pleasuring her. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 22nd, 2009
11:49 am	Who am I? My job dominates my life much more than I would like it to. I would guess that this is true for most people. We spend so much time earning a living that we do not live our lives enough. Working nights, and the weekends, sucks. Plain and simple. This work schedule prevents me from doing something fun almost every day. It is nice to be off from work during the day, but I have to sleep so I can not enjoy the day. Even on the nights that I am not scheduled to work, my body is accustomed to sleeping during the day. My days are ruined my job. Five nights out of every week are ruined too. I wake up and go to work. I do not enjoy those five nights. Does my job define who I am as a person? Yikes. I just threw up into my mouth a little bit while typing those words. Is that who I am? Am I a night shift machine operator? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 20th, 2009
8:57 am	When the doctor laughs My HDL cholesterol is high, whatever that hell that is. My doctor thinks that I should take pills to lower it, but I think that a better approach would be to eat healthier. My doctor actually laughed at me, mocking my naïve belief in a natural cure rather than a pharmaceutical one. The pharmaceutical companies killed my mother, pumping her full of all sorts of medications and using her like a guinea pig until her internal organs began to fail. When I declined his invitation to join the medicated nation, my doctor actually laughed at me, even after I told him about my mother. He even told me that he takes cholesterol pills, as if that would change me mind. I told him..YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER. Had he continued the argument, I would have been forced to tell him that he does not look like a healthy and happy person, and neither do any of the doctors that work for him. They always look exhausted and stressed out. Current Mood: aggravated (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 14th, 2007
12:18 am	Unrepetitive It was real But now it’s gone There is nothing left But this song   Dancing, looking Baited hooking All smiles In denial   What is done is done You remember the fun I remember the pain Just like when it first came   It was not you It was not me Whatever happened Is what was meant to be (Comment on this)
Monday, March 27th, 2006
6:30 pm	Gyrating While I was waiting to place my food order I could see the meat that I know is used to make a gyro sandwich, but I could not find a gyro listed on the menu. The gyro loaf of meat was there, rotating on a spit. It looked tasty, but I could not guess what it was being used for because this was a Turkish restaurant and I did not know what many of the words meant. I ordered a kebab instead. While I was waiting for my kebab the next guy in line ordered a gyro sandwich and he got one. Why didn’t I think of that? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 27th, 2006
11:25 am	Got my ass kicked My son thrashed me in his new video game, “Sonic Riders”, which I thought that I might be able to play well because it is a racing game and all I had to do was steer down the tracks. Once upon a time I was pretty good at racing video games. Did I mention that my son beat me while his left arm is in a shoulder to elbow cast? We played for about two hours on Sunday and I only won one of the 4 minute races. Only one other race was close. It was humiliating. Tonight I will play the game while he sleeps, and I will videotape myself racing those tracks so that I can go back and watch them in slow motion. Studying those tracks should give me a better chance of beating him the next time we play. Yes, I am insane. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 25th, 2005
10:30 am	Grimm I feel like Ben Grimm, who turned into the "Thing" from the Fantastic 4 movie. I am this person that my life experiences have created. If you could turn me inside out, I'd look like the "Thing" and people can sense the monster inside of me that they instinctually avoid. Inside the “Thing” that I am, I still have a heart beating for the few people that I care about. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 7th, 2005
12:41 pm	Mom The system has decided that my Mom doesn’t deserve to live. It is not “Cost Effective” to keep her alive, so they will slowly let her die. They’ve been killing her for years with their half assed treatment. It was about 8 years ago that she caught the hepatitis C virus and they misdiagnosed it as food poisoning. Her internal organs started to fail and she hasn’t been the same since. I remember a politician being quoted a few years ago as saying that poor people like me shouldn’t expect to live too long, and that we should enjoy the years that we have. Longer life is something that only the rich can expect to enjoy. This world is a slaughterhouse. I don’t want to sell my hours to the rich any more. I hate everything. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
3:19 am	Awesome My son must have said "Awesome" about a hundred times during the fireworks display tonight. This is the one holiday that the town that I live in does a good job of celebrating. Who doesn't like a fireworks display? The idiot that I married and fathered a child with is one of the few people that I've ever met who isn't interesting in watching colors explode into the sky. It's not the same when you watch at home on television. It's an experience. She chose to skip it. It is no wonder that I can't wait to have her out of my life. I enjoyed the fireworks myself, but it was a thousand times better to be there with my son. His good heart made me laugh when he was worried about planes in the sky. He was afraid that the plane wouldn't be able to fly through the fireworks display. His video game trained mind could not comprehend that the planes were somewhere behind the fireworks. I tried to explain it to him, but then I gave up and let him be excited when the planes managed to fly through the explosions. Life is good. I wish I could bottle a night like this up and take a sip of it when I need to in the future. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
4:22 am	Master Lock Out of the blue there came a chance to be a good father. My son will be using a combination lock on his school locker this summer and I was here to teach him how it works. He had already thrown his mother out of the room because he was frustrated by her directions. Tonight I feel good about still living with her, just so that I can be here for him. I can think about his smile from tonight and endure another couple of years of this parental prison sentence. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
9:20 am	Love Hurts When I leaned down to kiss my son goodbye this morning, he butted me in my cheekbone with the top of his head. OUCH! I think it was an accident, but he was laughing his ass off. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
1:29 am	I'm sorry My animal instinct to fight was aroused this evening when I got bumped out of the way on the subway. The guy came up on me from behind and shouldered me out of the way, but the train wasn’t crowded and he could have easily stepped around me even if he didn’t know how to say “Excuse me.” He didn’t engage me in eye contact, or we would have fought right then. He just kept going a few seats down until he settled in front of his prey. He leaned over her for a few minutes, making her uncomfortable, before sitting down next to her. I looked around for backup but there was only one other person who was watching what was happening, and she was probably the smallest adult on the train with us. The prey didn’t respond to whatever the stalker was saying. She only got up to move away. When she did, a mother with a baby caught the stalkers attention. He started talking to the baby, not the mother, from his seat. When he reached into his back pocket, I moved in to pounce on him, but he only took out a coin to show the baby. I should have assaulted him then, just out of general principle, but I was on my way to a show and I didn’t want to miss it. I’m also too old now to be an avenging force, and being a super hero doesn’t pay. I know I’m only going to get arrested along with the stalker. I would have felt even guiltier for not jumping the stalker, but he and I both got off of at the same stop. The mother and baby were safe, until the next evil they crossed paths with. At this subway stop I was transferring to another train. The stalker was taking the same transfer with me. I saw him walking up and down the platform, trying to look as “Bad” as he had on the train but now he had his act toned down a notch because he was carrying a laptop in a briefcase. I know he stole this from some one, because he hadn’t been carrying it before. If I’d beat this guy down in the subway like I felt that I should have, some innocent person would not be missing their laptop. I waited to hear someone yell that their bag was missing, but he made a clean get away. I was angry when I got on the train. As fate would have it, he and I got off at the same stop. He was a few steps ahead of me and stopped to ask me “Can you spare a quarter?” I wasn’t sure if he just didn’t recognize me through his drugged haze as the guy he’d shoved out of the way earlier or if he was trying to provoke me. Some times, like tonight, it’s harder not to fight than it is to kick the shit out of someone. Whoever you are, I’m sorry that I let him steal your laptop. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 23rd, 2005
12:15 pm	Weather or not It looked like it had finished raining for the day when I looked out of the window, so I decided to sleep for another hour. If I take the bus to work, it actually takes me about an hour longer than if I walk 90 minutes to get there. When I woke up, I could see that it had rained again. I wondered why you hadn't woken me up. You knew that I was only sleeping because I planned to walk to work. Why didn't you wake me up when it started to rain again, so that I could catch the bus? I would have woken you up to let you know it was raining. You knew that it was raining. You told me that you knew that it was raining when I was surprised to see it. I wondered, aloud, if I should call a cab or if I should skip work and just spend the night with you. "If you put a coat on, you'll be fine" is what you told me. I'll be fine, walking to work in the rain for 90 minutes and then wearing those same wet clothes for the next 10 hours until I get home for dry ones? It is over between us. By the way, the rain stopped. I didn't need to call that cab and I walked to work without getting wet. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
12:32 am	Third time a charm? The first time that we met, I was shy. The second time I was a bit more comfortable, but I still showed you that I am unable to interact with other people. The third time, I am hoping that I can do what a normal person could, and become your friend. If you are patient with me, I promise to reward you with many good times. Juggler I am juggling with my son, my job and my sanity. I was doing a pretty good job of it until I tried to add a girlfriend into the mix. I dropped my sanity, and nearly my job. I will never drop my son. Regret Should I go there again? Just so that I might see you? I'm not sure you will even be there It seems like a desperate thing to do I'd call you but I wouldn't know what to say I can't explain why I did what I did that day I'd take if back if I could I know that I am the cause I'm the one who fucked up and now I'm no longer yours Tonight I'll go to the bar but I won't go inside I'll walk past and look in the window Then I'll come home and cry (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 30th, 2005
10:45 am	Mission All I want out of life is to be happy and make the people around me happy too. I have never cared about money or material possessions. I am always going to be a drunken clown. (Comment on this)